During the school days, we used to hoist the Indian flag and sing the national anthem every Friday. I always felt goose-bumps when I sang the national anthem. I am not sure about the people who heard me! I was learning about Indian Freedom struggle. The fight against the British oppression made my spine tingle. I used to feel a bit sad at having missed out the freedom struggle. I remember distinctly feeling unlucky for having not fought for freedom, for not having done my bit. It was then that I realised I wanted to join the army. I wanted to fight for my country, spill my blood for India.That was my first ambition.
Then in my tenth grade, I got this fascination for Astrophysics. I am still not sure what triggered it. I wanted to look at stars, I wanted to do the math behind them. I am sure I did not comprehend what the field was about. But I wanted to be an Astrophysicist. And this dream was there with me for 2 years or more. This was my second ambition.
I finished my 12th grade. All my friends were writing the exam for Engineering selection. But I did not want to do that. I was different from them. I wanted to prove it. I did not take those exams. I wanted to pursue pure science. I felt pure science was somehow purer than engineering. It was during that time I wanted to get a PhD. Did I know what it meant? No way. Why did I want to do it? No idea. I did not ask anyone either. I was partly afraid of knowing the answers for some reason. By now I was no longer sure about astrophysics, but I came down to at least physics.
I joined my Bachelors in science degree and I wanted to graduate with a BSc Physics. In my second year, I realized that Physics was tough job and I did not like it that much. Also many of my classmates were better than me in Physics. I always liked Chemistry but I never felt at home in a chemistry lab. For some reason I was alright in mathematics. When it came to the end of second year it was time to choose between the three. I remembered many of my friends saying I was good in mathematics, and I chose it. I did alright. I enjoyed it too. It was right down my alley. I was at home, did not have to sweat at all. Right now my ambition was only getting a PhD. Did I know what it meant – NO.
I loved analysis and algebra. After sometime I started not liking the application part of mathematics. It was like adding water to milk, adding applications to mathematics. I felt applied mathematics was like adding impurity. I realised all my classmates wanted to do applied mathematics. I felt left out, I was odd man out there. If I stayed there for my masters, I would be doing programming and applied maths. I would not be doing any analysis or algebra. This thought made me decide to come out.
I came back to chennai for my Masters in mathematics. How fast time runs. I still had not much clue about PhD. But did not want to accept that. The first year of my Masters was very easy, I did not have to work hard. I became lazy and this did not help in my second year. I always loved Logic, so I took a course in Logic. The professor was the best. He was also my project guide, a very brilliant man. A lot of the students in my masters were applying for PhD in many foreign countries. I did not want to be left out.I don’t think I really wanted to do it anymore. But I did not have any other idea. I did not even attend the campus interview. Why? My professor knew another professor in Australia and told me to apply here. And I did, and I came over here. I still had no idea what PhD involved.
After two years of working, I now know about the research life. It is nice. But do I want to continue doing research for the rest of my life? Right now I do not know what to do? What is my goal right now? At present I just want to finish my PhD and graduate. What next? No idea.
Sometimes I toy with this idea of becoming a writer. I do not know what else to do. My head tells me to be optimistic and look at the present. My heart sometimes has real trouble in listening to my head. It wants to feel secure about the future. My heart is justified in feeling that way, but my head says “You are just 24, plenty of time to make mistakes.”
